Don't Worry

These past few weeks have been pretty dull. But it has given me a lot of thinking time. Well, okay i guess not completely dull. I finally became a certified phlebotomist. Neat huh? Is it strange that I actually enjoy poking people with needles? Probably, but it's my job now, so i guess it's a good thing I like it. Going back to school helped me to feel like I was still a real human being, who could still learn and socialize with people other than my baby and my mother. It was good for me, even though it honestly nearly killed me being away from Taisley for three hours at a time... but it was just preparing me for when i actually have to start working and will have 8 hour shifts...YIKES! I am so lucky to have such an amazing mother who is willing to watch Tai for me. If she wasn't around, I seriously don't know what I would do. Anyways, now that i have reentered into the real world, i find myself starting to miss simple things now. This post might tend to get a little mushy and weird... so be prepared or just stop reading now if you think you can't handle it and just skip to the last paragraph. You've been warned.

I never imagined my life completely perfect, but I NEVER imagined it would be like this. I believe that even if you marry that returned missionary in the temple, things can still go wrong, they will go wrong, marriage is a hard thing that takes work. But, doing it that way might make things simpler. My point being that even though that's how I imagined my life to be I knew it wouldn't be completely perfect, but I knew it could be pretty dang close. I never imagined that I would be that girl, who got pregnant before she was married. I wanted the father of my children to be my husband. To have someone to go through the pregnancy with, to hear her heartbeat for the first time with, to feel her kick for the first time with. I always imagined it like probably all the rest of you. To have the father be completely involved and be totally in love. And i thought it was tough being pregnant? Ha! Going through these two months alone, ( in the sense of without a spouse) has probably been one of the toughest things ever. I wish I had him (by him I'm not talking about Taisley's father, i'm great doing it without her biological father, I only mean the him I had imagined I'd be married to and having his children) to share all her firsts with. Her first bath, her first smile, to hear her cooing and "talking", and all the things to come. I wish she had a father she could look up to and love with all her heart and be a daddy's girl. I imagined myself being so in love and having a family. Having the support from the love of my life. Instead, I'm doing it all on my own, and don't get me wrong, i'm still loving  it, but I do get lonely sometimes and wish all of these things. I still want to date, I would love to eventually find someone who would want to marry me... (scary thought, who would? haha just kidding, kind of), I still pin things to my "future fairy tale" wedding board on pinterest, :)  and I still have a desire to love someone. The scary thing about all of this is If and When i find someone I'm seriously  interested in,they have to love my daughter too. We're kind of a packaged deal. That's a lot to take on. And i honestly don't blame anyone who isn't okay with dating someone with a child, and if  they consider a child as baggage, i don't want them any where near the biggest blessing and light of my life, so i guess it will work out for both parties. it's a hard thing realizing that dating and marriage is kind of a long shot now. As a girl my wedding day has been something I've been looking forward to my whole life.

Thinking about all of this lately has made me come to realize though that being alone is okay! I've been to several movies by myself, I've been to the mall by myself, I obvi parent by myself, and honestly I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I've finally come to realize I don't need anyone to validate myself. I am a great and happy person without having to depend on someone else. It's taken me nineteen years to figure that out, but better late then never! i'm still working on it, but ultimately I know that no matter what happens in the future, I will continue being happy. I  highly recommend it. I also recommend going out and being yourself. It's awful always trying to be perfect or different for everyone else, just do you and you can be so much happier! Even if it means giving up a few people who aren't okay with you being you. Because hey! you don't need those people anyways! Surround yourself with love and supportive people who will always have your back no matter what! Well, those are my thoughts and words of wisdom for this week. I hope it does someone some good...   even if it's just laughing at how pathetic this may seem, at least I made someone smile :) 

                          XO

                                  Tessie