Soul Search, I dare you.

So, it's been a while.... I hope no one has given up hope on me yet! I'm still here, and yes still doing better than ever!! Seriously you guys. I encourage every single person who reads this to take some time and do some soul searching. Soul searching?! Like... What even is that? Before a year ago I probably would have LOL'd if someone told me to soul search. But for real. I've had the most treacherous, amazing, horrifying, wonderful, awful, and enlightening past few months, because I was doing exactly that. Searching my soul, finding out who I really am, what makes this girl tick. That's what your late teens early twenties are for right?? Well, I feel like I skipped that whole era of life. So I had to try find myself real quick. I'm not by any means saying that I know exactly where i am going in life, or even exactly who I am yet, but I know I am way closer to figuring things out than I ever have been.

Okay, so maybe you're like how do you even soul search? Take some time just for yourself. I promise it really is okay to stay at home by yourself on a Friday night. Do whatever it is that makes you the happiest. Watch chick flicks and eat ice cream, dance around your room to Justin Bieber all night, go for a long drive, whatever it is just do something by yourself. So, maybe these things i suggested are what i like to do... and they don't seem like they would help you find yourself at all, trust me. When you're alone you will find your mind wandering to things, asking yourself questions, wondering what's next for you. Pay attention to those thoughts. If we are just quiet and listen to our mind, where it goes when nothing else is going on, when it's at it's most vulnerable state, that is when soul searching can start.

I've figured out that the single most important thing right now to me is being a good mom. I've thought a lot about that term "a good mom". Who is the judge of that? What is a good example of someone who is a good mom? Guys, like, kids don't come with instruction manuals.Crazy, right?! There is no How To Be A Good Parent handbook, unfortunately. But I have thought about it, and a good mom to me is if someday, down the road if someone was to ask Taisley, "Do you know your mother loves you?" and she would answer with something like, "Absolutely, without a doubt. I know my mother loves me more than anything in the world." That is my goal. Just to make sure Taisley and any possible future children know that I love them unconditionally, no matter what they could ever possibly do, I will always love them.
p.s. is she not THE cutest?

The next, is just to be a good person. Guys, everyone's life is hard. Every single person has something hard they are going through. Maybe it's something as simple as a bad hair day, which really can make you feel so bad about yourself. Or something way more serious like, losing a loved one. And anything in between those two extremes. If everyone would just keep in mind that every person we come in contact with is having problems, i think the world could be a much nicer place. Like, maybe you heard something about someone that you don't really know on a personal level. Something that didn't really showcase their best features, don't judge them for it. You don't know their whole story. And who knows? Maybe you could be really good friends if you gave them a chance. Get to know someone before you even begin to think you know what kind of person they are. Chances are, you probably have no idea what really is going on, and there is ALWAYS two sides to every story. Also, to put it bluntly, mind your own business. No good can come from meddling in other people's life. Focus on the things you are going through and i promise you won't even have time to worry about anyone else's problems. Now, of course I'm still working on all of this, no one is perfect. But when you take the focus off of other people and onto yourself, (in a good way) you figure out a little more of who you really are.


Lastly, I just want to have fun! I know what I like to do, and i intend on living my life to the very fullest, because I missed out on a lot of things while I was in a relationship, and i have A LOT to make up for!!. Like, honestly don't let silly little things going on in life make your mind so preoccupied and worried that you can't even have a fun night with your friends. Because you look back at all the fun you could have had and feel so dumb that you were too busy worried about something so irrelevant to your life. Like, before you let that happen, stop and ask yourself "Will I still be worried about this in a few days? a few months? a few years??" And if even one of those answers is "probably not" STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!!! (Sorry about the caps lock, but this is serious) Let go and just have fun!! We are only young once and how can we expect to ever be old and wise if we are never young and crazy? So, let's get cray.

But really. Dedicate a few days to figuring yourself out again.You're not the same person you were a few years ago, maybe even less than that. Just do you for a few days, and i guarantee you'll be surprised at what you find. Happy Soul Searching!

                          xo
                             Tess

Don't Worry

These past few weeks have been pretty dull. But it has given me a lot of thinking time. Well, okay i guess not completely dull. I finally became a certified phlebotomist. Neat huh? Is it strange that I actually enjoy poking people with needles? Probably, but it's my job now, so i guess it's a good thing I like it. Going back to school helped me to feel like I was still a real human being, who could still learn and socialize with people other than my baby and my mother. It was good for me, even though it honestly nearly killed me being away from Taisley for three hours at a time... but it was just preparing me for when i actually have to start working and will have 8 hour shifts...YIKES! I am so lucky to have such an amazing mother who is willing to watch Tai for me. If she wasn't around, I seriously don't know what I would do. Anyways, now that i have reentered into the real world, i find myself starting to miss simple things now. This post might tend to get a little mushy and weird... so be prepared or just stop reading now if you think you can't handle it and just skip to the last paragraph. You've been warned.

I never imagined my life completely perfect, but I NEVER imagined it would be like this. I believe that even if you marry that returned missionary in the temple, things can still go wrong, they will go wrong, marriage is a hard thing that takes work. But, doing it that way might make things simpler. My point being that even though that's how I imagined my life to be I knew it wouldn't be completely perfect, but I knew it could be pretty dang close. I never imagined that I would be that girl, who got pregnant before she was married. I wanted the father of my children to be my husband. To have someone to go through the pregnancy with, to hear her heartbeat for the first time with, to feel her kick for the first time with. I always imagined it like probably all the rest of you. To have the father be completely involved and be totally in love. And i thought it was tough being pregnant? Ha! Going through these two months alone, ( in the sense of without a spouse) has probably been one of the toughest things ever. I wish I had him (by him I'm not talking about Taisley's father, i'm great doing it without her biological father, I only mean the him I had imagined I'd be married to and having his children) to share all her firsts with. Her first bath, her first smile, to hear her cooing and "talking", and all the things to come. I wish she had a father she could look up to and love with all her heart and be a daddy's girl. I imagined myself being so in love and having a family. Having the support from the love of my life. Instead, I'm doing it all on my own, and don't get me wrong, i'm still loving  it, but I do get lonely sometimes and wish all of these things. I still want to date, I would love to eventually find someone who would want to marry me... (scary thought, who would? haha just kidding, kind of), I still pin things to my "future fairy tale" wedding board on pinterest, :)  and I still have a desire to love someone. The scary thing about all of this is If and When i find someone I'm seriously  interested in,they have to love my daughter too. We're kind of a packaged deal. That's a lot to take on. And i honestly don't blame anyone who isn't okay with dating someone with a child, and if  they consider a child as baggage, i don't want them any where near the biggest blessing and light of my life, so i guess it will work out for both parties. it's a hard thing realizing that dating and marriage is kind of a long shot now. As a girl my wedding day has been something I've been looking forward to my whole life.

Thinking about all of this lately has made me come to realize though that being alone is okay! I've been to several movies by myself, I've been to the mall by myself, I obvi parent by myself, and honestly I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I've finally come to realize I don't need anyone to validate myself. I am a great and happy person without having to depend on someone else. It's taken me nineteen years to figure that out, but better late then never! i'm still working on it, but ultimately I know that no matter what happens in the future, I will continue being happy. I  highly recommend it. I also recommend going out and being yourself. It's awful always trying to be perfect or different for everyone else, just do you and you can be so much happier! Even if it means giving up a few people who aren't okay with you being you. Because hey! you don't need those people anyways! Surround yourself with love and supportive people who will always have your back no matter what! Well, those are my thoughts and words of wisdom for this week. I hope it does someone some good...   even if it's just laughing at how pathetic this may seem, at least I made someone smile :) 

                          XO

                                  Tessie 

Spiritual high

 Last Sunday, i had the opportunity to attend  the young single adults/the young married adults fireside. It was such a neat experience! It wasn't just a fireside like they all usually are.. with the elderly high priests talk about how the young men need to start asking the young ladies to marry them and on and on about that subject... ( can you tell i don't enjoy YSA firesides very much?? ) but we were able to hear from Elder Holland. Now Elder Holland holds a special place in my heart. Presh, i know. But really, he does. His mother was in my home ward growing up and she was seriously the sweetest old woman i have ever known. She was like my adopted great grandma! She is also one of the most powerful and spiritual ladies I've known. That's where Elder Holland gets it i think. But anyways... He spoke at this fireside and i got to attend it live. He is even greater in person! He had a very strong message for the youth and it hit me pretty hard. First he reminded us to never, NEVER check our religion at the door. What he meant by that was that we always, at all times, in all things, and in all places, we must be living the way we've been taught to, and in ways that we know Heavenly Father would be proud of. Just because we're in certain situations that we feel it might be okay to not act our very best, is no excuse to not act our very best. Second, he taught to always remember the worth of a soul. And thirdly he reminded us to ALWAYS let the light of Christ shine through us. Great reminders to us all and definitely a help to take a step back, reflect on our actions, and change the things that aren't quite right in our lives. He's such a powerful speaker and it was such a great time.

After the fireside, I picked up the babe, and went to game night. It was so fun to catch up with friends i hadn't seen in a while, and get in some social interaction besides cooing at Taisley. I loved people's reactions to her being there. Some people i knew there didn't know i had a baby, they were very surprised, and it was sort of, kind of, sometimes pretty awkward, but i just smiled and laughed and said to myself  "Tess, you better get used to this. There is plenty more criticism where this is coming from." But, for the most part it was just a good time, meeting new people and having a social life for a night.


Totally a good time, but when i got home i was so exited to cuddle up with my babe and be in for the night. It made me appreciate baby Tay in my life even more and i seriously had the most fun finally just being alone with her and enjoying her company.------> Have i mentioned i'm completely in love with her?? Taisley also has discovered this new thing called smiling. It melts my heart every time! I am so scared for when she gets older because i'm afraid i will do anything for that sweet smile!

She loves to be talked to. It gets instant smiles!

As for today, it was Taisley's blessing day. Such an amazing day. My brother in law Tyler blessed her. He was nervous, his first time blessing a baby, but he did a great job. She received a beautiful blessing to match her beautiful soul. It just further indicated that I know i'm supposed to have her, right now, under these circumstances, and that everything is going to be just fine. She has brought my whole entire family closer together. We needed a light and she came shining. Babies just have an amazing effect on people. It's wonderful that something so small can have such a huge impact on so many people's lives! She is a beautiful blessing and she honestly couldn't be more perfect! I'm probably a completely overly obsessed mother, but for those of you who have children, you get it! Those who don't, you can't even imagine these feelings until you have your own. It changes your whole world! Seriously your perspectives on EVERYTHING change. Even your perspective of your living room couch. I'm not even kidding it's crazy how you become a whole different person. But it's absolutely amazing how much more complete and happy you can feel when your whole world has been turned upside down

Our Family Picture ;)

Okay seriously, i need to stop writing these in the middle of the night because, i'm pretty sure i misspell things, use horrid grammar, and don't have very good flow from one subject to the next. Bare with me. I'm new at this and i'll hopefully (fingers crossed) get better.

                                                       xo
                                                              Tessie    

Introductions

So, i guess this is where people write about  life's crazy and fun adventures. Seeing as i feel that my adventures are just about to get a lot more crazy and a ton more fun then ever before i decided to start this blog! Having a new little one I know things will just escalate from here! I am so excited about motherhood, i know it's only been a month, but so far so good!! I have enjoyed EVERY second of it (Yes, even in the middle of the night)! I was so blessed with such a good baby though! For now, she is only waking up once during the night, and then sleeping in at least until seven..she is an angel! People tell me to get prepared for the long nights and the screaming and the times where i won't enjoy being a mom, but i just nod my head and smile at those people. I will cross that bridge, and possibly cry, when i get to it. For now, i am just enjoying the sweet, cuddly, little doll i have! For a long time i didn't know if she was going to be mine. Seeing as i am only 19, and also single, i had to explore all my options. But turning to (unfortunately only recently did he become) my best friend, my Heavenly Father, i was given a confirmation that my little peanut was supposed to be mine. A close family friend was the child of a similar situation to mine. Her father, who now had been a stake president and bishop, told her "Don't EVER let anyone tell you you were a mistake, yes, your mother and I did what we had to biologically to get you here, but if Heavenly Father didn't want you to be here, you wouldn't have come." I feel that that is so true. People can do things, and if a baby isn't supposed to come out of the situation, she won't. I know that there is a reason for all things. There are certain paths we can choose to go down, things happen, and that is our path. They aren't mistakes, just simply experiences. One of the most popular conference talk came out just after i learned i was pregnant. President Uchtdorf's famous quote " Don't judge me because i sin differently than you." couldn't have come at a more perfect time. My sin, was obviously VERY noticeable. But just because it was more noticeable didn't make that saying any less true. I sin, you sin, we all sin and that's just a part of this life!! Some are just a little more noticeable and a lot more talked about. It took me a long time to accept the fact that i wasn't a completely horrid person for what i had done. I had just sinned differently than a lot of people, and that's okay. I was headed down a bad path, and i honestly believe having Taisley saved me from myself. I couldn't be happier and I am so excited to start this journey with such a sweet little thing! Wow, this has sounded a little preachy! Ha not my intentions!! i just have a lot of thoughts on this stuff. It's all i've had to think about recently! 

                 

Well, instead of making this blog i should have probably gotten sleep while this little babe on my lap is sleeping, but hey! We can sleep when we're dead...right? Right! And i feel very productive for getting this little thing done. But since i haven't slept since yesterday night, i guess i should go to bed huh? Well... 

Goodnight! xo